Hardest Decision I have Made for the Day

I know it has been some time I didn't update my blog, and some of you may not know what's happening to me recently. I know, it's my fault again.

Well, before I talk about the previous stuffs, please allow me to talk about what I have experienced yesterday.

(For some of you that may not know, I'm working as a Personal Assistant(PA) and Research Assistant(RA) with a Professor in USM since the second week of May. )

Ok, start the story for yesterday which was related to my current job.

In the morning at 9am, when I was ready to depart from my house for work, I received the call from my Prof.. She had asked me a very serious question, and also the question that bother me a lot since the first few days I went for work.

She said, " I just want to double check with you, see whether you're still interested to work as my PA?" A very straight forward question, and also the question that has to be settle immediately, or else, it's going to be unfair to everyone who involve in this case, especially for her. It's hard and it takes time to train a newbie, it doesn't matter the person you train is a smart or stupid. If I said I'm interested at the moment, then after 1 or 2 months, I tell her I'm not interested anymore, this will be a very bad behavior and will leave a bad impression for others, and that's the things that I will definitely not doing, and also not brave enough to do it.

I told her that this is a very tough decision for me and I need some time to think over it.

Actually by that moment, my heart has a very strong feeling that "I'm no longer interested, I cannot continue doing the job anymore, I'm over stress and I deserve something better and easier." But on the other side, I will think "Will I regret in the future if I gave up this opportunity today?"

All the way from my house to USM, I kept struggling between this two decision. It's a very easy question, just YES or NO, why should I have thinking so much. Since I was so suffer, since I dislike the job so much, why don't I just tell them NO. But its very weird, my mouth couldn't come out with this word, "NO", although I have already got an answer in my heart.

When I reach the office, I discuss my problems with her PA that going to leave soon. I think she's the one who understand the most what's happening to me. She used more than an hour to explain to me, to consult me and to talk with me about what she had experienced in the previous years (It's the same as what I have now), what she had learned from the Prof., and etc. Even later when we have lunch together, I still cannot come out with the decision, and I kept asking her opinions about everything.

From morning until afternoon about 2pm, my NO feeling was always stronger than the YES feeling. Until we get back to the office, I sat down, and the Prof. ask me again, "So, Soon Han, what's your final decision?" I was ready to tell her "Sorry Dr., I think I'm not going to continue this job anymore."But, the weird thing happened again, I got no energy and voice to speak out that sentence. Then the Prof. thought that I still cannot come out with the decision, and she began to explain to me, what's my problem with the job, what's my personality, why am I struggling in making this decision.....

She's able to speak out all my feelings without being told by me. In the 1 month trial period, she's able to understand my characteristic through her observation, and through our conversation. The thing I amazed by her the most is, she asked me, "Are you worrying that you're not able to deliver the papers I assigned to you? If that's your only worry, then you don't have to worry about that, I can teach and guide you until you are able to catch up with everything."

Here's the turning point....

After listening to what she said, my mind has started to change from NO to YES. That's the thing, she's able to point out the exact worry I was facing (which myself also not very sure about it), and told me that she will help me to walk through it. She will train me to be tough and strong, and that's what I'm seeking ......the feeling is there. My feeling told me that this person is the one who can change my life...

Some of you might think that, she's just trying to comfort me because she need someone to help her immediately, and hope that by saying those words, I'm able to stay back to work with her. And after I say YES, she will treat me very badly or whatever......

But I trust her, I have a very strong feeling that I trust her...

I know it will be very stressful and difficult to work with her, everyone told me that, even Prof. herself said the same thing, but I believe that I'm able to walk through it...everyone please pray for me, pray for me to walk till the end, and not to give up in the middle.

I also believe that this is the path that God arranged for me, if not, why every time when I was trying to say NO, and I couldn't make it?! I know its too early to say all of these, but once I have made the decision, I will try my very best to walk through it, I really hope I can do it.

And I hope that my floating life is settling down from this point onwards.

Believe it or not, after saying YES, my burden has gone immediately, I can feel that my body became lighter right after the decision has made. (Though the actual weight still remain high la...haha)

We went to KL, Malacca to meet up with Bobo Siow and GinGin Siow last weekend...
It's a very fun trip, but everyone was so exhausted